I’ve been dating this boy for the past 3 years. It has been some of the best and most difficult years of my life. Over the years, I began to peel away the protective layers he had shrouded himself in. In the process, I learned an incredibly sad tale of a boy who simply wants to be loved and to get help. Limited by money, the health care system, and support, he has yet to receive the proper kind of treatment. He had been actively trying to stabilize his mood: exercise, laying off stimulants, getting sun, taking multivitamins and supplements. But with all this, his episodes would return, rearing their vicious and malicious intent. He wants to die so badly during these episodes and I finally learned that a few months before I met him, he had already attempted suicide. During the frigid Utah winter, he downed a few bottles of NyQuil and went out to die in the snow. Through some sort of miracle, a friend found him outside behind the dorms. Knowing that he is capable of follow-through is the most terrifying fact to me. When he’s suicidal and his looking for his car keys so he can crash his car, or when he’s holding the screwdriver to his heart with a hammer in the other, or the threats of overdosing and how easily he could do it… during all these moments, I have emotionally and physically fought him. I think I’ve fractured my wrist and foot just trying to hold him back from leaving or hurting himself. I say I love him and I do with all my heart. I know that suicidal people are not rational, but it just hurts so bad. My heart breaks when he looks at me with those cold eyes, those eyes that say I could never understand his pain. He’s my soul mate, I know it. I just wish he loved himself enough to be mine.
I want to help, and he says it’s too late to help. He’s wanted to kill himself for the past 4 years. He was on medication last year, but it only made his life worse, physically and emotionally. Since then, he refuses to try new medication, although he cops out to the fact that he doesn’t have enough money for the pricier, more effective prescriptions. I’ve already offered to pay for his medication, but he still refuses to even entertain the idea that it might have a positive effect. He says that no one cares and that someone should be forcing him to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, you need to see a psychologist normally for 2 months before you can be recommended to a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medicine. But even when I try to force him to see his psychologist, I can’t make him go. I physically cannot and cannot breakthrough emotionally to him. This constant fighting, me trying to save him from himself, is stressful to not only our relationship, but to my own health. The people that I used to talk to about this would tell me to get out, they said he needed to get the help for himself, he needed to want the treatment. But I can’t leave him. Dumping someone and letting them deal with it all alone is not always the best solution. He’s always felt alone and unloved. I refuse to abandon him when he needs me most. I thought that my unconditional love would be enough, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m in day 3 of one of his worst episodes yet. I’ve fought so many times for him, but I think he views me as the enemy now. I am the opposition to his empty death, his peaceful nothingness.
I want to be his light, not his darkness.
but I’m running out of time… and who is going to help me?
-mrOwl
mr0wl 