Reviving What Was Dead

I wish I could say this blog will be an artful remake of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, but it’s going to be more like the rom-com Death Becomes Her, dark yet funny. C’est la vie!

It’s been quite a journey, these last five years. I can’t say I’m better off nor am I worse. I merely am the culmination of an interpersonal battle with myself, my loved ones and my life goals while getting hit in the face with ever-impending death from culprits like cancer, mental illness and general quarter-life crises.

Focusing on the present, I have been diagnosed and am currently in treatment for anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Wooooo… (can you sense my sarcasm?)

I always considered myself a fragile child. Easily overwhelmed, eager to please, lacking motivation, an occasional misanthrope… just not made for this world. Many times I felt like Jesus, walking through life with the weight of the world’s sorrows on my back…

FYI, that’s not how anyone wants you to live your life. Original sin is a mental fuck.

I’m reviving this blog today because when I was at my lowest, the idea of it brought me back enough to share at least once, in hopes that someone out there has a similar story to my own.  The blog died almost immediately, like most projects I start. But I continued with a private diary that ultimately became my own downfall. What was supposed to be therapeutic, ended up unwinding all the madness I had locked inside.

I am again at one of the lowest points in my life. I understand that this is my perception, but unfortunately, our perceptions define our reality.

I am going to be 100% honest with you. I am terrified to start this blog, this journey of sharing what’s in my mind and my heart.

…I’m holding my breath as I click *publish*

Anxiety triggered… level moderate. Let’s say it’s a 5 out of 10. Strike that, now it’s a 6…

BREATHING TECHNIQUE: Breath in through the nose for 4 counts, hold your breath for 7 counts, slowly blow the air out through your mouth for 8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…

Repeat as needed until your heart rate becomes normal.

A calm mind is a wise mind.

Believe it.

-mrOwl

 

My boyfriend is going to kill himself

I’ve been dating this boy for the past 3 years. It has been some of the best and most difficult years of my life. Over the years, I began to peel away the protective layers he had shrouded himself in. In the process, I learned an incredibly sad tale of a boy who simply wants to be loved and to get help. Limited by money, the health care system, and support, he has yet to receive the proper kind of treatment. He had been actively trying to stabilize his mood: exercise, laying off stimulants, getting sun, taking multivitamins and supplements. But with all this, his episodes would return, rearing their vicious and malicious intent. He wants to die so badly during these episodes and I finally learned that a few months before I met him, he had already attempted suicide. During the frigid Utah winter, he downed a few bottles of NyQuil and went out to die in the snow. Through some sort of miracle, a friend found him outside behind the dorms. Knowing that he is capable of follow-through is the most terrifying fact to me. When he’s suicidal and his looking for his car keys so he can crash his car, or when he’s holding the screwdriver to his heart with a hammer in the other, or the threats of overdosing and how easily he could do it… during all these moments, I have emotionally and physically fought him. I think I’ve fractured my wrist and foot just trying to hold him back from leaving or hurting himself. I say I love him and I do with all my heart. I know that suicidal people are not rational, but it just hurts so bad. My heart breaks when he looks at me with those cold eyes, those eyes that say I could never understand his pain. He’s my soul mate, I know it. I just wish he loved himself enough to be mine.

I want to help, and he says it’s too late to help. He’s wanted to kill himself for the past 4 years. He was on medication last year, but it only made his life worse, physically and emotionally. Since then, he refuses to try new medication, although he cops out to the fact that he doesn’t have enough money for the pricier, more effective prescriptions. I’ve already offered to pay for his medication, but he still refuses to even entertain the idea that it might have a positive effect. He says that no one cares and that someone should be forcing him to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, you need to see a psychologist normally for 2 months before you can be recommended to a psychiatrist, who can prescribe medicine. But even when I try to force him to see his psychologist, I can’t make him go. I physically cannot and cannot breakthrough emotionally to him. This constant fighting, me trying to save him from himself, is stressful to not only our relationship, but to my own health. The people that I used to talk to about this would tell me to get out, they said he needed to get the help for himself, he needed to want the treatment. But I can’t leave him. Dumping someone and letting them deal with it all alone is not always the best solution. He’s always felt alone and unloved. I refuse to abandon him when he needs me most. I thought that my unconditional love would be enough, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m in day 3 of one of his worst episodes yet. I’ve fought so many times for him, but I think he views me as the enemy now. I am the opposition to his empty death, his peaceful nothingness.

I want to be his light, not his darkness.

but I’m running out of time… and who is going to help me?

-mrOwl

“Weekly Photo Challenge: Wonder”

An expression of wonder…from a tarsier!

-mrOwl

Edited for weekly photo challenge. I used http://pixlr.com/ for their free editing program.

Original picture belongs to: http://www.tagalog1.com/Assets/Bohol/Tarsiers/Bohol-Tarsier-20050320-1730.JPG

hello, productive goal

ever had TMJ? It’s intense pain in the jaw or, as in my case, lock-jaw. Around age 15, I developed this scary trait.  At any point during the day, my jaw was likely to shut, lock close. Tilting my head back almost guaranteed my jaw would lock, so waking up was potentially terrifying. I carried quite a bit of stress in my jaw, during the night I would clench my teeth so hard that it’s pronounced effects were dramatic enough for me to reevaluate how i lived my life. I was 15 and had given myself lock-jaw from stress! I actively tried caring less  about school and trying to focus my efforts on interests that gave me contentment and serenity. The outlets i turned to were theatre and choir. My transition to slack-off slightly perplexed many of my friends. Later, in my senior year of high school, my friend Bryan could not understand why I’d decided to drop our upper division math course right before the final. Honestly, I received this opinion from almost everyone. But it doesn’t seem so ridiculous to me. I took the whole class, credits I didn’t even need, learned the material and did the homework, but I saved myself from stressful nights of cramming for a final that meant nothing for my future. Anyhow, it was a minor adjustment to my perspective that overall really helped me. I still achieved my goals of  getting good grades, winning best actress for my school, and qualifying for All State Choir.

Now 22, my stressful anxiety is back. I’ve lost the ability to properly balance between relaxing a bit to simply being useless. New sources of stress cloud my thoughts: money, finding a job, relationships. Last May, I graduated with a BA in English Literature. I should have pursued Anthropology. I loved it, but I also wanted to get out of college in 4 yrs.  It’s November now and I work on the sales floor as a lackey of a corporate imported goods store. They play decent music, at least. The sad thing is that while I get very minimal fulfillment from working there, my day becomes 100times better! Otherwise, I’m wasting away in a messy apartment that houses the potential for immense depression! Having a purpose is wonderful, but i’m a little appalled at how low my aspirations have sunk. I recently read this blog about productivity and I’ve realized that currently I don’t have the right goals, oh and my discipline and patience has really hit the fan. I’ve been on a 15month hiatus after a physical & mental breakdown. There comes a point when you want to shut down, power off. Dumb, mute, dull. I’m tired of feeling dead inside.

This blog is my goal for the week. A post a day.

–mrOwl

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.